Cycle 5 – Day 11 [Loneliness, Determination, Socialization]

Today I woke up feeling very lonely. This is a feeling I get every now and then when I feel I don’t contribute to the income of our family. I feel like the weight of this is all on my shoulders and instead of bringing something in, all I do is just waste days doing meaningless things that won’t help reach the ultimate goal. I feel that I am overwhelmed, that things just won’t ever move in the needed direction and that I won’t manage to get where I need because I am not good enough – I can’t do this by my own.. This is when I realize I would need a partner (like a business partner or something) or a colleague that could just help me out by simply existing. I need someone who cares that the work goes well, who cares that we make progress, who cares about me doing my part of the job, who cares about me. I want to feel that I exist, that someone counts on me – that somebody thinks I am important..

I just realized these two thoughts contradict each other at some level – as my family relies on me.. but I think that because we are financially stable for now – we have 0 extra, but we can comfortably handle our living expenses, no matter how much I bring in, will not impact the way we live – it won’t matter – I don’t matter… I relive my thoughts and feelings from my childhood and adolescence – when I felt that nobody actually cared about my existence, that I don’t have a voice, that everybody ignores me – ‘I am just a stupid kid, why would they listen to me?’..

My partner tried to comfort me, but we didn’t get this far in the thought process, just the part with having a partner or coleague. He told me I am alone and I got the power to do anything. He made me feel even more lonely as he enforced the thought that I am alone and so I decided to go out on a walk and relive one of my lost pleasures – photography. Specifically walking in nature and finding hidden spots of beauty. I took the new dog with me on an ‘adventchooore’. We walked a lot, made some dog friends, got very dirty and cold, grabbed a snack and got back home. It was a nice experience – one that I haven’t done in more than 10 years..

By the end of the day, I got in a pretty neutral mood which enabled me to socialize a bit with my sister. We decided to negociate contracts for the roles we have (sister, friend, coleague – we sometimes hang out together when we work on things) and managed to handle only the sister role. Some emotional buttons were pushed with this negociation as we had to think about the future and our role in it. We ended up grateful to speak in a chat with her ex-boyfriend where we clarified some of the feelings they each had and let them really hear each other (like couples therapy). By the end of the conversation, despite the sad things that were shared, we all managed to be friends for a while and have a bit of fun together. It was really nice to feel that I am part of something.

Being able to get all these thoughts written down, it is obvious to me that I need to go back to my past and comfort the young version of me that thought was all alone. I need to heal that piece of me that still feels hurt and lonely, accept it and make it part of who I am today. I love myself now and I know I deserve to live – as any other creature which was bestowed upon this Earth.

Heal yourself and be free!

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Cycle 5 – Day 10 [Curiosity, Emotion]

Today was just another day in the life. I focused on getting the right nutrition today and respect the healthy habbits as much as possible. I cooked a lot and felt awesome eating the amazing food I prepared. I tried a bit to work on the wordpress theme for my future site, but didn’t get very far with it – which is ok. I understand I haven’t done this before thus it will take me more time to implement.

I got very emotional due to a post of one of the people I follow on wordpress. It overwhelmed me to know that we can make such an impact in people’s lives with just one supportive comment.

Unfortunately, overwhelmed with emotion, I wanted to do more and try to really help this person, to make a difference for them. Something that turned out to be more about me pressuring someone into finding out about something they don’t want or aren’t prepared for yet. It was my first attempt for a connection and I do apologize I was so insistent. I really am not sure what outcome I wanted out of this. I just wanted to help more.

I think I am searching for somebody that goes through the same thing as I am and generally for a companion on my mission that can get really lonely sometimes. I already have the support I need; I think I just want a co-creator..

Have a great day!

Cycle 5 – Day 8 [Socialization, Patience, Relaxation] – A long walk

Today was about a very long walk. I woke up in the morning with my usual thoughts, showered, had breakfast and served a cup of coffee. Everything was normal and I didn’t assume anything would happen. I got a call from my partner and I just got activated! I felt that I needed to take action, go to town and search for some items.

I quickly got dressed and left to meet with my partner and serve lunch together. I scheduled a meeting afterwards and I attended it. I visited a friend after my meeting and spoke about my thoughts. It was intriguing to find out she had experienced a similar journey as I did; I think we bonded more with our discussion.

I left and started walking. I had a store in mind that I wanted to visit. I searched on Google Maps and followed the location. When I got there, I found no store. I searched on Maps again and it revealed another location. I walked there and haven’t found the store again.. I decided to call the contact number and found out they are an online shop, with no physical boutiques. I decided to head back to the car, but it was very far – about 4 km away. I decided to head towards the central city and spend some time there until my partner left work. I took a break and grabbed a sandwich and a bottle of water at a gas station and went on my way. I called my sister, to have a travelling companion and we talked about my journey so far and the events of the day. On my way I remembered a boutique similar to the one I was looking for in another location and I decided to go there. It was on the road I used to take everyday towards my first job, from my first rented place. I saw the huge hill up ahead and remembered the struggles I had late at night when trying to get myself back at home. I felt the same sensation for a minute, but I gathered my strength and continued. I had to walk up and down a lot of stairs, avoid slipping on the ice that had formed after the rain early in the day, but I finally managed to get to the location. I was excited I would finally find what I was looking for, but unfortunately, the shop was not there anymore.

I was confused, but I decided to go back to the mall where we had lunch. There was a boutique there, which I initially visited before lunch – their products seemed much more interesting now and this time I managed to find something I liked. Walking 7 km on a wild goose chase for 2 hours made me realize that having a different perspective over things changes everything. It changes your desires, your maturity, your general determination.

I don’t mind I walked so much in cold and bad weather conditions. It was a journey I felt I had to pursue for a bigger purpose – whatever that was. I think it was the change in perspective I needed and it just showed me how I can get over anything if I am determined enough.

I hope you had a nice day!

P.S. I don’t own the cover picture.

Cycle 5 – Day 7 [Irritability, Enthusiasm, Anger]

I’ve been having nightmares lately; but none was as intense and horrifying as the one this morning. It messed me up to no end.. After this dream it was really difficult to start my day as usual. I took extra time off before serving breakfast and actually doing anything. I just couldn’t escape the irritability I felt – I also didn’t have the possibility to really talk about it with someone; everybody was busy and I just shoved my feelings inside myself.

I managed to start my day eventually, after hours of doing nothing. I started calling some people to find out about a renting place. I also took a walk to talk with somebody in person. I also took this measure as an excuse to start a new project. I bought some supplies and got home excited. I decided to build an extensible table. I started designing everything and was really enthusiastic about everything. I just started working and had to create a favorable setup to avoid having wood debris fly on my neighbors just-washed white clothes. I improvised a solution and worked until distress. I managed to eat in between but I really dedicated myself to this.

I spent some time with the pets and tried to gather some energy, but I couldn’t. I went to lay in bed and get some sleep, but unfortunately I didn’t get that either. After a whole day spent outside in the cold, reality seemed to finally catch up with me and the cold seemed to have gotten to my bones. I tried many things to warm myself up, but I couldn’t stop shivering. I tried exercising and serving tea, which worked for a little bit, but it got back afterwards..

I talked a bit with my partner about the nightmare I had and I let some of those emotions free. We spent some time together and somehow I got triggered by a situation which enabled my nightmare. I couldn’t take it anymore. I let the anger loose; I let everything get out – uncontrollable screaming, crying and hitting walls – I honestly thought I went insane. I haven’t experienced anger at this level before..

I ultimately calmed down and I started resolving the issues I identified. I apologized to my partner and we just continued our day casually.. we decided it was time to go to bed..

I hope your day was better, with less negative emotions.

Cycle 5 – Day 6 [Socialization, Helpfulness, Curiosity]

Today has mostly been invested in socializing with different people. I really enjoyed my time as the day was full of helpful, meaningful conversations that made me feel good. I felt listened to and that my opinion matters. These are the kind of conversations that generally help me understand my choices better – why I choose to have certain people in my life and why they mean so much to me.

Towards the end of the day, I spent some time reading. I started going through the books from the psychology course I am taking and I found interesting information there. I didn’t manage to read more than a chapter before I got into a very deep sleep.

Today I ate mostly junk food, but I will get my diet equilibrated soon.

Good thoughts!

Cycle 5 – Day 5 [Energy, Panic, Determination]

I woke up moderately energized; I served breakfast and started my day. I spent some time with my sister on Skype and had a cup of hot cocoa, while planning what to do the rest of the day.

I panicked a lot after thinking about the day, as I realized how much work I have to do and how I have no idea how to do most of it. I had another one of those talks with my partner; he encouraged me and calmed me down as he reassured me he will be there for me when I need him. We ended up going in town to eat and spent some time together speaking about many things.

After getting home, I felt determined to take some steps towards my goals and started researching what I have to do next and how to do it. It took me some time, but in the end, I understood how WordPress themes work – I created a local server and I started to create my own custom theme, based on the design I made yesterday. I am generally pleased with the work I did and wish for it to continue in the same manner. I am glad things started rolling.

I also took some time to cook some rice and serve it at dinner with the lentil stew I made some days ago. I also did my stretching routine and spent some time with the dogs.

Have a great day!