Today I woke up feeling very lonely. This is a feeling I get every now and then when I feel I don’t contribute to the income of our family. I feel like the weight of this is all on my shoulders and instead of bringing something in, all I do is just waste days doing meaningless things that won’t help reach the ultimate goal. I feel that I am overwhelmed, that things just won’t ever move in the needed direction and that I won’t manage to get where I need because I am not good enough – I can’t do this by my own.. This is when I realize I would need a partner (like a business partner or something) or a colleague that could just help me out by simply existing. I need someone who cares that the work goes well, who cares that we make progress, who cares about me doing my part of the job, who cares about me. I want to feel that I exist, that someone counts on me – that somebody thinks I am important..
I just realized these two thoughts contradict each other at some level – as my family relies on me.. but I think that because we are financially stable for now – we have 0 extra, but we can comfortably handle our living expenses, no matter how much I bring in, will not impact the way we live – it won’t matter – I don’t matter… I relive my thoughts and feelings from my childhood and adolescence – when I felt that nobody actually cared about my existence, that I don’t have a voice, that everybody ignores me – ‘I am just a stupid kid, why would they listen to me?’..
My partner tried to comfort me, but we didn’t get this far in the thought process, just the part with having a partner or coleague. He told me I am alone and I got the power to do anything. He made me feel even more lonely as he enforced the thought that I am alone and so I decided to go out on a walk and relive one of my lost pleasures – photography. Specifically walking in nature and finding hidden spots of beauty. I took the new dog with me on an ‘adventchooore’. We walked a lot, made some dog friends, got very dirty and cold, grabbed a snack and got back home. It was a nice experience – one that I haven’t done in more than 10 years..
By the end of the day, I got in a pretty neutral mood which enabled me to socialize a bit with my sister. We decided to negociate contracts for the roles we have (sister, friend, coleague – we sometimes hang out together when we work on things) and managed to handle only the sister role. Some emotional buttons were pushed with this negociation as we had to think about the future and our role in it. We ended up grateful to speak in a chat with her ex-boyfriend where we clarified some of the feelings they each had and let them really hear each other (like couples therapy). By the end of the conversation, despite the sad things that were shared, we all managed to be friends for a while and have a bit of fun together. It was really nice to feel that I am part of something.
Being able to get all these thoughts written down, it is obvious to me that I need to go back to my past and comfort the young version of me that thought was all alone. I need to heal that piece of me that still feels hurt and lonely, accept it and make it part of who I am today. I love myself now and I know I deserve to live – as any other creature which was bestowed upon this Earth.
Heal yourself and be free!