26 April – 2 May 2019 – Adventchoooore Time

I’ve been very busy lately. It was Easter in my country last weekend and I got to spend some time with my partner as he had some days off. I panicked a bit due to the ‘celebration’ of 1 year since I no longer work for somebody. I can’t believe how fast time flew by!

I visited my parents because a friend came home from abroad and I decided to see her. I surprised my parents – didn’t announce them of my visit and I wanted to surprise them with breakfast in bed – unfortunately they heard the noise and really had a good scare when they saw me in their kitchen. Truth be told, I didn’t even want to visit them, but due to the fact I didn’t have any means to contact my friend except for the internet, I had some spare hours. My parents were very satisfied by the breakfast – the fact that I did that for them – they felt spoiled – even though they didn’t eat much as they don’t usually serve breakfast.

I was in luck. My sister’s colleague is the cousin of my friend and we decided to go find her the old fashioned way. We went on a quest at 7 a.m.! We gathered 2 colleagues of my sister, until we managed to find the cousin and sneak into the yard of my friend and manage to wake her up and surprise her. We haven’t seen each other for 6-7 years! She was so shocked to see me, considering 5 hours before I was at 250 km away. We went to a coffee afterwards and I rewarded the party with a hot beverage. We were so happy and accomplished to have traveled so much and follow a quest! We saw some beautiful sights and were pleased with how the day turned out – and it was only 11 a.m.! I talked to my friend and decided to take her to our house for some days. I spoke to my partner, we agreed and we went back to her place (30 mins drive) to get her luggage. We met her father and we spoke with him a lot. We really did enjoy the company and everything the day gave us.

After we got home, I slept almost an entire day – due to lack of sleep (more than 30 hours) and 8 hours of continuous driving. We watched some movies afterwards, had lunch.. Today we spoke a lot about relationships and family and we really bonded even more. We went on walks, had coffee, a quick lunch and took the dogs to the vet. It was a really great day!

Be great today!

22 April 2019 – Cleaning and Frustration

I woke up rather early this morning. I went in the kitchen and after serving some of that average cake I made last night, I decided to clean the kitchen. I really put some effort into it – I also cleaned the cabinets, the oven and everything. I talked a bit to my sister over Skype while I did my stretching.

I got really frustrated with the dogs again.. The new one just can’t hold her bladder much. She started peeing on the carpet while I was stretching; I noticed and stopped her, then she quickly went on her pillow and seemed to have stopped. 30 seconds later I felt the smell – she really didn’t hold one drop; I lifted it and the whole thing was dripping – she didn’t even drink THAT much water!?! After the frustration I got with all the cleaning of this mess, somehow, my first dog also decided to give it a go on the carpet.. Sometimes I can’t even..

I managed to clean up and yell of frustration and talk to my partner to help find a solution – this has been going on for a while – these type of accidents happen 2 times a month on the carpet and every other day on the hallway.. I am sick of cleaning piss as a full time job.. This didn’t use to happen at all before the new dog.. and I don’t know how to train 3 dogs that decided to do everything as they please… We decided to replace the carpet with linoleum or something, to at least replace the texture. It is a good temporary solution until I manage to train those damn dogs…

Later, I got some bitter criticism from my parents – that actually affected me.. I tried to speak to my sister, but I somehow got into a motherly role and tried to push her to study out of fear and told her I don’t want to see how she destroys her future.. Things somehow seem out of control everywhere and I don’t feel capable right now to maintain my positivity or my general energy.. I’ve been reading a book about trauma and I noticed it really stirred up something inside me.. I am trying really hard to keep a healthy attitude and a growing mindset, but some days just provoke me to no end.

I talked a bit to my partner and I calmed down a bit; I tried to call my sister and make peace with her, but she didn’t answer – she was probably sleeping. We watched an episode together, went to bed, read another chapter of this book and twisted half of the night in bed due to thoughts, scenarios and stories going on in my head..

Time to see the bright side of this day..

• At least lunch was amazing – I had a very nice salad.
• I managed to eat healthy all day long.
• My partner was very supportive throughout the day.
• We managed to work together and find some solutions for the dog problem.
• I read some interesting facts about the brain.
• The kitchen looks amazing after my cleaning.
• I have a camera that catches amazing details from a far distance!

Details with zoom.

Same scenario without zoom. The flowers are from the tree on the left!!!

There always is some good part in a day. You just have to look for it.

Have a good day!

7 April 2019 – It’s a nice day to start again

I’ve been wanting to resume writing here for a while, but didn’t manage to get myself to actually do it. I’ve been very preoccupied with my life lately and I even tried journaling in some app (for 3 days haha). I am starting to feel the need to monitor my days again and change the format again..

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I woke up after many hours of sleep, even more tired and messed up than how I went to bed. Yesterday we went to the land and planted 20 trees and a day before I dug up 18 holes to mark the spot for the trees. We spent the whole day yesterday at the land after travelling 2 hours to get the trees. We really dedicated ourselves and put all the effort into it, until we couldn’t really function anymore. Fortunately we managed to plant all of them almost by the book.

This morning I woke up tired, with my muscles being sore from all the effort I put in the past days. I felt my face burning, felt feverish and beat down, to look in the mirror and see my whole face and hands were sunburnt, more on the right side than the left. I took the day lightly and tried to move as little as possible, to create an environment for healing. I also decided to have a salad for lunch to get some vitamins and minerals for my recovery.

I spent some time with my partner and then decided to go out and get something sweet along with some meat. The salad didn’t feel like enough even though it was refreshing. I went out and grabbed the products I wanted and then i spent some time with my sister. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, but she asked me to be productive with her. We put on some music and as she wrote her homework, we sang along and felt joyful. Seeing her so determined and dedicated encouraged me to start working on my projects as well, even though my eyes were falling in my mouth.

I am working on a new idea for my site that is about to be released somewhere in the future. I decided to draw and create a character as a mascot for my brand. Somehow I think that it would be easier to use drawings instead of taking pictures for the site [I may be very wrong with this, but the end result seems so exciting, I just have to try it out]. I experimented a bit and have drawn a bit of the face. I want to try out some styles to see if the whole concept would really fit with my idea.

Afterwards, my eyes couldn’t stay opened anymore. I just had to sleep. I went to bed and started reading a chapter of my current book – it seems I wasn’t that tired after all. After finishing, I struggled a lot with the burning sensation in my face so I decided to read another chapter until I fell asleep.

I hope you had a wonderful day!

Thank you.

Cycle 7 – Day 1 [Enthusiasm, Confusion, Confidence, Anger, Determination]

Today I went through all sort of emotions. It was a rollercoaster. I started the day after a very bad night’s sleep with a shower and joyful music. I headed up to town for a meeting. Two minutes before my destination, the car broke and I had to speak to my father to get suggestion into fixing the issue. Long story short, I got lift off by the spa manager to go to the meeting, lost and found my phone and was confused for most part of the day. Food really helped out to get out of that weird mood and the work I did as a manager as well.

I got back to the car to clean the broken parts and get it to the service and somehow managed to also break my glasses.. Fortunately, nothing was smashed – I just have to fix the frame which makes them unusable. While cleaning the car some young gypsies passed by me and called me names and sweared a lot. I eventually went into the car and I broke off into crying – the emotions from the day really built up somehow.. I know it’s not much of a deal but the emotions felt really intense. I got to the service and fixed the car, went to some shopping and then home. I dyed my hair in the most horrible color that doesn’t fit to my present chubby face and I continued managing my projects.

What finally got me back into writing was the beautiful full moon that I managed to photograph with my camera! It’s amazing I could finally capture some detail instead of just a white circle!!

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What have I been up to lately?

I changed the way I handle my day to day tasks, to fit to certain roles that I have to play throughout the day. I made a list of all my current projects – added some and got the determination to start doing something on them due to this new role strategy. I’ve focused very much on my emotions – analysed them and tried to handle them as best as I could. I visited my parents and went to the psychology course and found out a lot about myself based on the experiences my family went through; I finally found the strength in myself to forgive my parents and be opened to see their journey as well. I focused a lot on introspection and work. Except for the courses I attended and majorly damaged my emotional stability, everything is going in a positive direction.

I hope I will write soon; maybe tomorrow I will cook again!

Have a great day or evening!

Cycle 5 – Day 11 [Loneliness, Determination, Socialization]

Today I woke up feeling very lonely. This is a feeling I get every now and then when I feel I don’t contribute to the income of our family. I feel like the weight of this is all on my shoulders and instead of bringing something in, all I do is just waste days doing meaningless things that won’t help reach the ultimate goal. I feel that I am overwhelmed, that things just won’t ever move in the needed direction and that I won’t manage to get where I need because I am not good enough – I can’t do this by my own.. This is when I realize I would need a partner (like a business partner or something) or a colleague that could just help me out by simply existing. I need someone who cares that the work goes well, who cares that we make progress, who cares about me doing my part of the job, who cares about me. I want to feel that I exist, that someone counts on me – that somebody thinks I am important..

I just realized these two thoughts contradict each other at some level – as my family relies on me.. but I think that because we are financially stable for now – we have 0 extra, but we can comfortably handle our living expenses, no matter how much I bring in, will not impact the way we live – it won’t matter – I don’t matter… I relive my thoughts and feelings from my childhood and adolescence – when I felt that nobody actually cared about my existence, that I don’t have a voice, that everybody ignores me – ‘I am just a stupid kid, why would they listen to me?’..

My partner tried to comfort me, but we didn’t get this far in the thought process, just the part with having a partner or colleague. He told me I am alone and I got the power to do anything. He made me feel even more lonely as he enforced the thought that I am alone and so I decided to go out on a walk and relive one of my lost pleasures – photography. Specifically walking in nature and finding hidden spots of beauty. I took the new dog with me on an ‘adventchooore’. We walked a lot, made some dog friends, got very dirty and cold, grabbed a snack and got back home. It was a nice experience – one that I haven’t done in more than 10 years..

By the end of the day, I got in a pretty neutral mood which enabled me to socialize a bit with my sister. We decided to negotiate contracts for the roles we have (sister, friend, colleague – we sometimes hang out together when we work on things) and managed to handle only the sister role. Some emotional buttons were pushed with this negotiation as we had to think about the future and our role in it. We ended up grateful to speak in a chat with her ex-boyfriend where we clarified some of the feelings they each had and let them really hear each other (like couples therapy). By the end of the conversation, despite the sad things that were shared, we all managed to be friends for a while and have a bit of fun together. It was really nice to feel that I am part of something.

Being able to get all these thoughts written down, it is obvious to me that I need to go back to my past and comfort the young version of me that thought was all alone. I need to heal that piece of me that still feels hurt and lonely, accept it and make it part of who I am today. I love myself now and I know I deserve to live – as any other creature which was bestowed upon this Earth.

Heal yourself and be free!