23 November 2019 – When you get what you want

Today I got the out-of-body experience I wished for yesterday. I also made some friends and got to connect with people on a different level. I embraced my crazy side more, I updated my relationship with myself in a more profound and understanding manner. I have the feedback I wanted and I see how things unfold for the future – unexpectedly, but surely. It is surprizing to find out for how long I’ve been unconciously working toward a goal! My stability has increased and I decided to get working. I questioned myself for a while though – as I always change the projects I work on – and this time I decided to continue with something I’ve been working at in the very recent past. I continued with the CBT course and did 5 hours of self-reflective exercises + 1 hour of video content. I am surprized of the things that surface from just 2 questions and the impact they have over a person’s life..

What I extracted from the whole experience is that no matter what, I have the courage and the faith that I will get to my destination. I am grateful for the learning process, for my courage, for the experiences I live and people I meet with every day!

I wish you a day of contemplation, of gathering puzzle pieces together and of inspired work!

16 October 2019 – It’s Time To Face The Truth

Today I had a lovely morning with my partner – we chatted in bed for a while, we played with the dogs and got reminded of what a beautiful family we got. I went to bed afterwards due to the late night I spent working. I woke up from a deep sleep very satisfied. I had coffee, ate some leftover food, watched some motivational videos and played the daily solitaire challenge. I realized it has been a while since I last set some goals so I decided to do that, but in a different manner. I reviewed my past goals and checked some of them and this time I wrote them down as a story, in present tense. I wrote after them in which past events have I displayed the attitude to accomplish that – proof that I got the necessary resources to get what I want. I am extremely confident in the power these new goals have!

I continued the CBT course and after doing some reflective exercises where I got overwhelming insights, my partner got home. We went for a walk and bought sweets and chips. I had a very powerful anger outrage – at an intensity I’ve never experienced before.. I devoured 2 bags of chips and some chocolate while watching a movie – ‘A Monster Calls’. The movie eventually turned out to be about the grieving process and about recognizing the pain and guilt we feel to tell our truth while we go through difficult situations. Now searching it on imdb I see the description was there all along – a boy coping with his mother’s terminal illness, but Netflix put another description though. I cried a lot.. and this movie finally showed me it was about time to face my own truth.. My grandmother died 2 years ago and I lied to myself daily that it didn’t happen. I’ve been postponing facing this truth for so much time.. and it had great repercussions on me, when my partner’s grandparents died recently.. Today I finally had the strength to do something that was far overdue – to write a letter to my passed grandmother.. I finally confessed my feelings, I finally faced the truth.

Today I learned that sometimes things align in an unexpected way, to make us face reality and learn a lesson. My grandmother was the first person that passed that I really, deeply cared about. I’ve been in this long grief process along all the family.. I even think I am the first that actually faced my feelings.. It’s really hard to say goodbye.. I am grateful for being loved by my grandmother and by getting the opportunity to learn so many things from her. I am grateful for the space she gave me and how much she cared for me as a child. I am grateful for myself as well, for having the strength to finally write this down.

I wish you a day of insight. Take a moment to appreciate the dear ones you have around.

14 October 2019 – My Sister Shared Food!

Today I had to take the cat to the vet. I went to bed late in the morning – 5 a.m. and got insufficient sleep. I had to feed the cat and give the treatment so some additional sacrifices had to be made.. eventually I got home and ate some processed meat and some cake. Some days just are like this.. I eventually managed to really wake up in the evening – I started going through the CBT course again and that got me engaged and back into a very positive mood. After my sister and my partner got home, I spent some time with them. My sister cooked today something else than pasta! And she even shared her food with me! I was so proud of her (even if I didn’t tell her) to see she actually took the ropes into her hands and took responsibility over her hunger in the healthy way! We ate together in a hurry and got overwhelmed by the body’s response. I washed the dishes to honor the code (the one that cooks doesn’t clean the dishes) and had a meaningful connection with her. I continued my study afterwards and did some introspection.

Today I learned that progress can be seen in every little step we take. I saw that 30% of good experience is still meaningful progress – sure, we all want it to be over 50% to know the experience can be truly classified as being positive, but 30% can still make an experience be good overall. I guess it all depends on what we choose to focus on and what we compare it with. When I look at a situation outside of the ‘good or bad’ mindset, I can see clearly that I can extract something positive from it – the things I learn in a day make up for everything, even if the emotion I felt in the act brought me pain. In time, you can see past events gaining new meanings, as you grow and change your perspective. I am grateful for all the insights I got today, for the food and for the learning experience overall!

We grow stronger every day!

8 October 2019 – A Day Mastered

Today my sister woke me up in panic. It was late and she missed the train – she slept an hour more. My partner convinced me to drive her to school and so I did. I went shopping for a bit afterwards and tested the self-service system that was newly installed in the market. I went home, had coffee with my mom over Skype and then went to a meeting I had in town. I recapped what has been going on lately and what my progress currently is. I didn’t get the response I’ve been waiting for, but things were still good. I met with my partner and had a short walk before heading home. I decided to drive more and actually see some sceneries. The sky was beautiful and I really wanted to feel the forest – see and smell it. I drove purposelessly for an hour. I had an overwhelming sense of being present and the colors around were outstanding.

Later I fed the dogs and walked them a bit just before I headed out for another meeting in town. I decided to participate in a ToastMasters event. I attended one in the past (3 years ago or more), but I didn’t like it as I went for the wrong reasons. This time I actually wanted to speak and got interested in joining the club too. I spoke 2 times – I recited a poem I learned 12 years ago and I spoke 2 minutes about my reasons of being interested in joining. I felt fairly confident in my message, even though my body was all imploding with emotional reactions I didn’t even feel. It was interesting for me to see how much I can get triggered from certain types of interactions. It was a learning experience and I am proud that I managed to implicate myself.

Today I learned that I still have a lot of work to do with my body – my mind thinks clearly, but my body is reactive. I also learned that I have a lot more courage than I thought – and I am extremely grateful for this as well as for all the beautiful experiences of today!

Have a wonderful day!

5 October 2019 – An Experience From Beyond

Today I attended the course and I identified and became aware of multiple thoughts that have a strong impact on my life and that lead me to dysfunctional behavior.

Afterwards we decided to stay a bit with one of our colleagues for a chat. He wanted to attend a Byzantine music international event and we decided to join him there. The whole experience left a strong impression on us – we lived the performance so much and actually had an out of body experience. We were surprised to see how much we appreciated the Gregorian choir that performed and the overwhelming feeling we had.

Today I learned that exposing yourself to new experiences can have an amazing impact in your life. I learned that I have been limiting myself for a lot of time. I am grateful now for being much more open minded and actually trying something new – at the assumed cost of it being uncomfortable.

I hope you had a good day!

4 October 2019 – Learning Time!

Today I attended the psychology course I go to every 2 months (both me and my partner go to study there). I had many interesting experiences that made me get out of my comfort zone. I really learned a lot of new things about myself. Afterwards, we went to a literature event that is hosted in our town for this week. We met some interesting people, we had a chat and bought 2 books. It was a really nice experience that showed us how much it pays off to actually learn and apply all these psychological techniques. It showed us how much we evolved! This was obvious by the type of people we were attracted towards that were presenting a certain type of subject. Our mere presence there shows we are so much more open minded and curious about new experiences (we would never have done this in the past).

Today I learned that my skills are most obvious when I get out of the house, into ‘the real world’, where I meet other people and have the occasion to evaluate my progress through the shared experience. I learned that I can be confident in my abilities and feel guilty for it for far less time than I did before. I learned that there actually is a place for me in this world and I can make it absolutely anywhere I want (respecting all life, of course).

I am grateful for this great day, for the amazing experiences, for the joy I felt, for the ways I challenged myself and for the awareness that shines upon me.

Have a beautiful day!

20 September 2019 – Attending a Masked Ball on a Daily Basis

Today I woke up early in the morning, due to the large amount of sleep I got yesterday. I stayed in bed for a while and planned my day. I made lunch and prepared to go out in town to see if my sister made it on the list to get a place in the collage dorm. Truth be told, I could have just given a call to the faculty, but I was way too anxious to find out what the future has reserved for me.

I had some struggles on the road and I didn’t manage to find out the results (they were posted later in the evening). I went and procured some supplies for my sink as some parts were damaged and I had a chat with my partner about future plans and we planned a date for the evening. On my way home I stopped at a shop and bought a dress that just fit too damn well.

I went back in town and met my partner. I was different, with the dress. I entered into another state of mind and I expected certain things. My partner did the same. Throughout the date we discussed some insecurities and explored different aspects of our personalities – it was interesting but not really satisfying. I felt like we showed each other some masks we wear on a daily basis but didn’t actually know they were there, until now. Everything is progress though, even if what we saw wasn’t pretty. At least now we know what we are dealing with. I made a commitment and promise to myself to end the unfinished business from our relationship by the end of the month and I intend to keep this promise!

I also had a dispute with my sister – the fact that she wasn’t on the list impacted her greatly. This means most probably that she will live with us for a while. In this scenario some masks have shown themselves as well..

By the end of the day we cleared things up and reminded ourselves that we are not the masks, but the ones that wear them. We reminded ourselves that we are more and we don’t have to cling so tightly to these personality traits. And that’s what I actually learned today – that despite everything, I can still feel loved and have a good time. As long as I am at peace with myself and I remember who I am, no snappy word from any mask can affect me. I am grateful for the whole learning experience of the day, the challenges that were presented to me and especially the exceptional way I handled them while still keeping my inner peace. It really was a great day!

And I wish you the same!

18-20 July 2019 – One cooking afternoon

I am proud to say I managed to cook a single meal in this past week! At least I cooked one!

After our road trip, we slept a lot. I slept 15 hours or more. On Thursday, I cooked and then we started to thoroughly clean my bedroom – we covered every side, cleaned the windows, the balcony, everything. We did a very nice job.

On Friday we went in town for a meeting my sister had; we had lunch with my partner and then she attended her meeting. I waited out in a cafe, reading from the new order I recieved on the day. We went clothes shopping afterwards and we got home exhausted after a couple of hours. I spent the evening with my partner.

Yesterday, I woke up to have the morning coffee with my sister, but the air between us seemed different. We ate boiled corn on the terrace and tried to figure out what was happening. She behaved as a child that wants to ask her mother something and feels awkward about it. I tried to clear the air and worked on this for several hours, until we finally managed to understand what was going on. We spent some time with the dogs, as a family. My sister left to town alone and explored or something. She came back after she got bored, with the realization we had a great time together and I am not trying to keep her in a figurative cage. She realized she has the freedom she needs. I thoroughly cleaned another room in the meantime and had the chat with her after she came home. We went and grocery shopped, ready to make stuffed bell peppers. We got home and went to the land and trimmed some of the weeds there, until night fell (max 30 mins). I let her drive there and back home. I spent the rest of the night organizing a bit – creating some kind of calendar to put on the fridge and indexing more of those illnesses from that book. My sister played a bit on PS3 in the meanwhile and we totally forgot about the food – maybe next day.

I am grateful for all the experiences I have, for the fact that I remembered what I did on all these days, for the joy I feel, for the inner peace.

Have a wonderful day!

7-9 July 2019 – It’s bean a while

I finally cooked after some days of eating out. Pasta with beans – first time I tried this and it was delicious!

Sunday I went to the last day of the event. We experimented there real closeness and a true feeling of infinite understanding and love. It was really unique. I spent the evening reading.

On Monday I read, I rested, I watched some episodes from a series and I spoke to my sister. She got the results and was disappointed of what marks she got; she asked for a second evaluation. I went through a book with diseases and indexed all of the illnesses from A to B (it didn’t have something like this and it is useful to me). I went to bed early – 6 p.m.

I woke up at 3.15 a.m. from a very deep sleep. I woke up with the amazement of having the answer of a question that disturbed me for some days. I somehow got a new perspective over my current life and how to answer the annoying family questions that always put me to shame. I finally was able to see my current situation putting the light on the things I do have right now instead of the ones I don’t. It was an amazing revelation! I read and finished the book. It was so mind blowing I quickly bought online a copy for my sister and had it shipped for her. I served coffee on the terrace and really enjoyed my environment for a change. I cooked lunch and went in town with my partner. I bought some new clothes for myself that really seemed to lighten my mood – I spent 2.5 hours buying them (I never did this before). I met with my partner and chatted a bit. I got home, took the dogs for a walk, read some more and fell to sleep.

I am grateful for the new perspective I got, for the experiences I had these past few days, for the connections and abundance. Thank you.

Have a great time!

2 July 2019 – A Good Day

Today my sister woke me up – I wanted to sleep so much and I kept telling her to call me later. I had to attend a meeting in town and I just didn’t seem to be ready to wake up until the last minute. I showered quickly and rushed to dry my hair, but my drier died after 2 minutes. Luckily, the weather outside was very warm and I decided to let it dry in the sun while I drive. After my meeting, I got a lot of insights about myself. I got home, cooked some food and watched some episodes while my sister was learning on Skype for her big math exam.

I got a bit sleepy after the meal so I decided to stay in bed with the cat and read a bit. My partner got home later and we took Bruno out for a long walk; I ran with him at the local football field and we talked a bit about our way of handling the dogs in general. We met a friendly stray dog and as I had some dog treats left, I decided to try and train it. I managed to teach it to do ‘sit’ after 5 treats – it was amazing to see this!! I stayed with my sister on Skype again, I ordered a robot vacuum and I helped my sister learn some formulas – and finally learned something I avoided for more than 8 years! After she went to bed, I decided it was time to try again with my other site, so I worked a bit on the design until I couldn’t hold my eyes opened anymore. It felt so wonderful to make some progress there. I am taking it one step at a time, but ultimately, the difference is noticeable!

I am grateful for the work I did, for the time spent outside with my partner and dog, for the good times I had with my sister, for all the insights and for the visible progress. Today was really amazing! ❤

Have a great time!