24 October 2019 – A Good Day

Today I took the cat to the vet for his procedure early in the morning. I woke up in a hurry, to deploy the clients’ site and then I quickly threw some clothes on and got out of the house. I had the best coffee this morning while deploying the site – it was beautiful! I had a fight with my sister that wasn’t really asked for, but eventually we mended everything and we took a road trip to the forest and walked there. We had an amazing time and loads of fun. After getting home, we felt the tiredness from our walk. I discussed more with the client and managed to get a new task – a new job. I made the chickpea stew I was so excited about and it turned out great! I then browsed online for office supplies and I feel that I am getting prepared for a whole new chapter in my life.

Today I learned that I have a short fuse when it comes to anger and the things I hide underneath that rage are really scary. The ugly sides of my personality are starting to show up at a higher impact, but this comes with a positive result: the good parts are lasting longer and it feels like they become part of the norm. I am grateful for the walk I had today – it felt great to walk in nature and just be there. I am grateful for making my day into a positive one, for the enthusiasm and the capability of becoming myself again after I got lost through the depths of my personality.

I love you.

21 October 2019 – Ups and Downs

Today started out with a visit to the vet – Bruno had to take his vaccine and the cat had his check-up. I went and gave a sample to another vet in another place from another dog. After being on these trips I really got a bad mood and decided to visit my partner to talk it out a bit. I felt a bit better, but my general mood was still down.. After buying the needed treatment for the cat from another place I finally headed home. I felt a wild need to get out and walk it out – so I took the last, healthy dog out and went into the woods. We had a long walk, full of wonderful sights and fresh air. That was the point that really turned around my day. After feeling so good for just being – just existing, I forgot about the health and financial difficulties. I decided to look at the day in a different way, to put myself first, to take care of my basic needs. And so I did. I spent the evening with my sister, working on the freelancing job – making the final changes and getting ready to ship it!

Today I learned that a change in mindset can go a long way. I learned that getting outside support is never enough if you don’t make the change from your self (from inside). And I got reminded how much can nature change your mindset. I am grateful for the connections I had today, for the joy I felt walking with my dog, for how good we got along and how attentive she was to my instructions! For being myself and for fixing an issue in the job that has been pressing me for days!

Have a great day!

10 October 2019 – Confusing Times

Today I procrastinated a lot. I didn’t really get to do what I wanted, but I got some important things out of the way. I went to the vet with the cat and I went shopping with my sister after eating lunch at a restaurant with her. I spent some time talking to my partner and unloading all the pressure I feel lately, until I managed to feel stable again. I ate chocolate today and walnuts again and watched some episodes, but I managed to get myself to work on the project eventually. The investigation from today was very helpful and I found core elements for the work I have to do. I know now how to change and what to change, the only difficulty is that I must make it run locally first. I basically spent 1/4 of the allowed time, but I am optimistic about the future.. I think that I will get 3/4 of the hours, but we will see.. Bottom line is that I am making progress and I still know how this works even after such a long break (around a year since I last wrote code – or so I think).

Today I learned that just because you can buy a pair of shoes, doesn’t mean you should – and I really didn’t. I learned that I don’t have to do the work if I don’t feel like it and I actually could fill my time with other activities (other than eating and watching episodes) until I get in the mood to start working. I learned that I feel very anxious, lazy and vulnerable to the idea of having a job – I plan to take care of this belief soon enough. I am grateful for the progress I made today, for driving the cat to the vet, for being able to afford living a life this way, for the job I currently have and for the relationships in my life.

I send big hopes, gratitude and love towards all of you!

16 September 2019 – A nice day to start again

Somehow, everything is about new beginnings.. I always seem to have this urge to start things again after a long period of having no idea what I’m doing.. I felt very contemplative the past few days and with a fresh batch of granola I feel capable of conquering the world again!

I had a productive day today – started out with some stretching, some introspection and a cup of coffee with my loyal cat! Figuring out in the morning what must, should, could and want to do seems to do wonders! It really puts me in a ‘call to action’ mood. I accomplished a lot of things the past days and the journey continues!

I had a long walk today with my partner. I even dressed up for the occasion as if we were on a date. We also served dinner together afterwards. We don’t do this very often and it really lifted my mood even further. I also forgot how tasty and satisfying home cooked meals are! ❤

I am grateful for this great day of tiny accomplishments and the beautiful mood. I felt so good just being myself in all forms and roles today!

I wish you a beautiful day!

12 May 2019 – Awesome Day

I woke up determined! I continued reading the last chapter of the book I’ve been struggling with the past month. It was a very informative book, unfortunately, it was a bit difficult to read – being packed with so many facts and details about studies on trauma. Finishing that chapter made me feel that I was on top of the world and nothing could ruin my day! I already had accomplished the biggest task of the day! I was so excited by this, that I managed to stay fueled by this positive energy throughout the day.

I randomly picked another book from the shelf – this is on a more spiritual matter. I cooked lunch and prepared dinner in advance; we ate and then I vacuumed the whole house. Being excited by the new topic, I started reading a bit and actually covered one third of the book in a setting. I spoke to my sister and I’ve been there to support her through this difficult period she is going through – being in the final year, with all the assignments, really makes an impact on her.. I think she is bravely handling all the stress thrown her way.

I tried to meditate a bit before going to bed. I succeeded to some extent, but I think I still have some improvements to make. I saw some images – something violent, with gun shots and my little pony friendship is magic characters in it.. It was a bit weird, but I couldn’t remember anything after getting conscious again. I had some chocolate afterwards and was compelled to eat and watch a my little pony friendship is magic episode. I went to bed and ended an awesome day with yet another chapter of the book.

The cat was particularly weird today.

I hope your day was awesome as well!

Cycle 5 – Day 7 [Irritability, Enthusiasm, Anger]

I’ve been having nightmares lately; but none was as intense and horrifying as the one this morning. It messed me up to no end.. After this dream it was really difficult to start my day as usual. I took extra time off before serving breakfast and actually doing anything. I just couldn’t escape the irritability I felt – I also didn’t have the possibility to really talk about it with someone; everybody was busy and I just shoved my feelings inside myself.

I managed to start my day eventually, after hours of doing nothing. I started calling some people to find out about a renting place. I also took a walk to talk with somebody in person. I also took this measure as an excuse to start a new project. I bought some supplies and got home excited. I decided to build an extensible table. I started designing everything and was really enthusiastic about everything. I just started working and had to create a favorable setup to avoid having wood debris fly on my neighbors just-washed white clothes. I improvised a solution and worked until distress. I managed to eat in between but I really dedicated myself to this.

I spent some time with the pets and tried to gather some energy, but I couldn’t. I went to lay in bed and get some sleep, but unfortunately I didn’t get that either. After a whole day spent outside in the cold, reality seemed to finally catch up with me and the cold seemed to have gotten to my bones. I tried many things to warm myself up, but I couldn’t stop shivering. I tried exercising and serving tea, which worked for a little bit, but it got back afterwards..

I talked a bit with my partner about the nightmare I had and I let some of those emotions free. We spent some time together and somehow I got triggered by a situation which enabled my nightmare. I couldn’t take it anymore. I let the anger loose; I let everything get out – uncontrollable screaming, crying and hitting walls – I honestly thought I went insane. I haven’t experienced anger at this level before..

I ultimately calmed down and I started resolving the issues I identified. I apologized to my partner and we just continued our day casually.. we decided it was time to go to bed..

I hope your day was better, with less negative emotions.

Cycle 3 – Day 19

Today I mostly took the day off to rest. I went grocery shopping, played with the dogs, hanged around with the cat, cooked some sandwiches and watched some TV series. I also had some chocolate and bananas.

I weighed myself this morning and found out I now have 87 kg (191.8 lbs). I reduced by 0.8 kg (1.76 lbs) this week! It’s nice to see I am making progress overall. I hope this will be even better next week.

I hope you are having a great day!

Cycle 1 – Day 16

Today I took a day off. I woke up at 9 am but decided to go back to sleep and rest as much as my body needed. Last night I stayed up late, speaking to my sister until around 3 am. The lack of sleep started to gather and I felt like I have to take care of it. I took my measurements this morning; it turns out I have 90 kg (198.5 lbs) – I reduced by 1 cm in chest, 2 cm abdominal, hips and thighs since last week.

After waking up, I decided to eat in town, as it was pretty late. I had a banana and a cup of coffee and made a list of the groceries I had to buy and headed out. I had rice noodles with tofu for lunch – it was average – nothing like the food I am making at home. When you eat certain foods for a longer period of time, taste buds get used to that flavor and start to appreciate those type of foods more.

We went to buy some larger pots for my plants and ended up with a new conifer and a tiny Aloe plant along with some drill bits that I needed in order to restock my collection. We then went grocery shopping and then home. I worked on my plants; I changed the pot of my avocado and planted some apricot seeds and garlic. I made dinner, pea and potato stew, and watched some TV series.

Today I mostly spent the day away from the computer – it felt nice to take a break.

By the way, these are my pets trying to understand what the new object is.

 

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

Cycle 1 – Day 9

Today I managed to wake up as planned; I did my normal routine and I also took my measurements, to see how I progressed within a week. I initially wanted to measure my progress within two weeks, but I was really inpatient. I discovered I lost 1.4 kg (3 lbs), 1 cm in waist and 3 cm in hips. I think that is a nice progress considering that I had too much bread in the last 2-3 days; but I guess it evens out because I ate relatively healthy. I will measure myself again next Saturday.

After that, we lightly cleaned in the house – dusting, vacuuming and reorganizing things. Then I made lunch, played with the dog, sew some clothes that needed my attention for a while now and just watched some tv series and played some games.

I exercised today – I had leg day – the first in a very long time and I did a little too many reps and was almost unable to move after finishing the routine. After some rest, we went grocery shopping – had a nice long chat in the parking lot for about 2 hours and then spent at least one more in the store. We bought a lot of mushrooms, I expect to have at least 2 dishes with them in next week’s meals. Then we had dinner and now we plan to go and watch a movie.

I had toast with guacamole for breakfast, creamy spaghetti with peanuts and veggies for dinner and some sandwiches with veggie patties, arugula, green onion and tomato for dinner. I also made myself some apple compote as a snack for the movie.

I am proud of myself because I haven’t bought anything damaging for myself, even though I was very hungry when I went shopping. I resisted the tortilla chips, the popcorn the gummy bears and processed meat; we bought too many mushrooms and fruits instead. I think this is a great accomplishment.

Here’s a picture of my cat I just took. Sorry for the low quality, I wasn’t very close.

Have a great day!