20 November 2019 – Work and Rest

Today I went back to the land in the morning. We managed to finish cutting all the weeds today – another 1000 square meters. I didn’t think it was possible to work as much today, but I managed to do it. Today I overcame my expectations – it is a nice feeling to actually do this. I got home afterwards and I took a 5 hour nap. I really needed the sleep after another 7 hours of continuous labor and the little 5 hours of sleep I got last night. It was amazing to see the clean land and realize I had a major part in accomplishing this.

Today I learned that it takes me a while to actually recognize in the real world the things I learn through my courses. If only I tried to make the connection sooner – the interactions would have been different yesterday. But I am still pleased I understood the underlying issue and calmed myself eventually. I really struggled yesterday to break the barriers in communication and be liked. I am grateful that today I applied the theory I learned, that I finished cleaning the land, that I was determined and worked to accomplish what I wanted. I really made things happen.

I wish you a flawless day, full of accomplishments and getting work done!

6 November 2019 – A Long Walk

Today I woke up early – I had the ToastMasters interview – the one that was meant to make sure my motivation is for long term. After doing well at the interview, I took a walk with my partner and talked about various things – mostly work, money and future plans. I got home and decided to take another long walk – visit the forest with one of the dogs I haven’t taken there yet. I took Tisa and unleashed her on the fields.. Unfortunately, what was meant to be a relaxing walk turned into a very stressful one due to the lack of training/executing the commands.. I struggled with her, but eventually we managed to get along somehow – she ran for a while and after running out of energy, she eventually followed my instructions. I was beat up when i got home, but that didn’t stop me. I cooked pasta, ate with my sister and then I started planning for the projects I want to implement. Basically I created a collection of documents with all the 22 projects I want to implement. I wrote down for most of them the resources needed, the process, my motivation, my goal, the duration estimation, the mindset I should have while developing the projects, how will I feel when my goal is met and some actual action steps to follow.

I grabbed a quick snack after 5 hours of planning and then did an extra hour of CBT course – just to get me closer to another goal I have. Today was a productive day and I am very grateful for everything that I did. I added my project’s time together and it resulted that I should work 9.25 years to actually implement them all. Luckily, some of them overlap with others – so I think that maybe 4 years is a more realistic term – if I only work alone on this. I have faith that things will run very smoothly and the time will compress – as I gain more experience and reuse components from previous implementations.

Today I learned that when you are really motivated a timeline doesn’t scare you anymore as long as you know you have to focus on every little step you take. I am grateful for the work I did today and the effort I put in.

Have a great time today!

24 October 2019 – A Good Day

Today I took the cat to the vet for his procedure early in the morning. I woke up in a hurry, to deploy the clients’ site and then I quickly threw some clothes on and got out of the house. I had the best coffee this morning while deploying the site – it was beautiful! I had a fight with my sister that wasn’t really asked for, but eventually we mended everything and we took a road trip to the forest and walked there. We had an amazing time and loads of fun. After getting home, we felt the tiredness from our walk. I discussed more with the client and managed to get a new task – a new job. I made the chickpea stew I was so excited about and it turned out great! I then browsed online for office supplies and I feel that I am getting prepared for a whole new chapter in my life.

Today I learned that I have a short fuse when it comes to anger and the things I hide underneath that rage are really scary. The ugly sides of my personality are starting to show up at a higher impact, but this comes with a positive result: the good parts are lasting longer and it feels like they become part of the norm. I am grateful for the walk I had today – it felt great to walk in nature and just be there. I am grateful for making my day into a positive one, for the enthusiasm and the capability of becoming myself again after I got lost through the depths of my personality.

I love you.

16-17 July 2019 – Road Trip

On Tuesday I went with my sister at the faculty to get her signed up – she wanted me to be there to support her. We went shopping afterwards, had a cup of coffee and lunch in town. We went home and danced one hour in the evening, to celebrate the victory!

On Wednesday, we woke up at 4 a.m. and went to take the train to another town, to get our car checked and our license plates back. We went by foot 6 km to get there from the train station and we took a lot of photos on our way there. It was a nice experience over all and I realized I don’t have to do something extraordinary to enjoy my time, the people around me and the scenery. We successfully got our car back and the license plates (there was a chance they left to another place). I drove home and could barely hold my eyes opened after only 2 hours of sleep. We took the dogs out and fell asleep at 3 p.m.

I am grateful for all these experiences, for the great time I had, for the connection with my sister and partner, for the exercise I did, for the beautiful sights I’ve seen, for all the fun I had.

Have a great day!

2 July 2019 – A Good Day

Today my sister woke me up – I wanted to sleep so much and I kept telling her to call me later. I had to attend a meeting in town and I just didn’t seem to be ready to wake up until the last minute. I showered quickly and rushed to dry my hair, but my drier died after 2 minutes. Luckily, the weather outside was very warm and I decided to let it dry in the sun while I drive. After my meeting, I got a lot of insights about myself. I got home, cooked some food and watched some episodes while my sister was learning on Skype for her big math exam.

I got a bit sleepy after the meal so I decided to stay in bed with the cat and read a bit. My partner got home later and we took Bruno out for a long walk; I ran with him at the local football field and we talked a bit about our way of handling the dogs in general. We met a friendly stray dog and as I had some dog treats left, I decided to try and train it. I managed to teach it to do ‘sit’ after 5 treats – it was amazing to see this!! I stayed with my sister on Skype again, I ordered a robot vacuum and I helped my sister learn some formulas – and finally learned something I avoided for more than 8 years! After she went to bed, I decided it was time to try again with my other site, so I worked a bit on the design until I couldn’t hold my eyes opened anymore. It felt so wonderful to make some progress there. I am taking it one step at a time, but ultimately, the difference is noticeable!

I am grateful for the work I did, for the time spent outside with my partner and dog, for the good times I had with my sister, for all the insights and for the visible progress. Today was really amazing! ❤

Have a great time!

29-30 June 2019 – Adventure Time

As soon as I woke up I felt the need to walk a lot – I wanted to do something exciting, to explore somewhere with one of the dogs. I decided to ask my partner to join this time and I am very glad I did. The temperature was perfect for exploring, even in the mid of the day. We went to some random location nearby that seemed to have forests. We got there by car and we walked afterwards. We took Sheeba with us and let her run free – she kept 10 meters distance from us; her leash is 5 meters.. It was nice to see she walked with us and was really listening to our commands. We passed by some really difficult areas – full of slippery mud and she trusted us enough to follow on our footsteps. We climbed a hill in the forest and found a place in the sun to sit and have a snack. We laid down in the grass and just listened to the nature surrounding us. It was really beautiful. I felt charged with energy and peaceful to my core. When we got back, we didn’t bother anymore with the dog – she was already dirty, so we let her run wild. We got home and we were peaceful for a while.

Late in the evening I got in a stupid fight with my partner that caused me to get out of the house alone and walk in the night to a random place.. I walked 2 or 3 km away and sat in the grass on a pathway. I laid down and looked at the stars in the sky and got reminded of just how beautiful life can be despite all the problems we have in our life. I sat there a while, in a meditative state and just looked at the sky. After calming down, I went back home, running and walking intermittently. I got home – I felt that I would pass out due to lack of energy. I made peace with my partner and went to bed.

Next day I slept more than half of the day – the walking really took a lot out of me. After waking up, I spoke a bit with my sister, I read a bit, meditated, fell back asleep, had a dream where I felt super guilty towards my partner, woke up, talked with my partner – to release any leftover confusion and the guilt I felt in real life.. We spent a lot of time together, we cleaned the house a bit, went out and grabbed something to eat, followed by a long one hour walk. It was a nice bonding experience and I feel that somehow it brought us closer together. We got home and I decided to study a bit – I started to write down some of the things I read, to put them in my mind through some other form – select only the ideas I find important or applicable to me. I meditated a bit afterwards and went to bed. This was a pleasant day.

I am grateful for all the excitement I have in my life, for the adventures, for the well educated dogs, for the bond with my partner and with my sister, for the access to these beautiful scenery, for living in the moment, in presence.

Have a beautiful day!

26 April – 2 May 2019 – Adventchoooore Time

I’ve been very busy lately. It was Easter in my country last weekend and I got to spend some time with my partner as he had some days off. I panicked a bit due to the ‘celebration’ of 1 year since I no longer work for somebody. I can’t believe how fast time flew by!

I visited my parents because a friend came home from abroad and I decided to see her. I surprised my parents – didn’t announce them of my visit and I wanted to surprise them with breakfast in bed – unfortunately they heard the noise and really had a good scare when they saw me in their kitchen. Truth be told, I didn’t even want to visit them, but due to the fact I didn’t have any means to contact my friend except for the internet, I had some spare hours. My parents were very satisfied by the breakfast – the fact that I did that for them – they felt spoiled – even though they didn’t eat much as they don’t usually serve breakfast.

I was in luck. My sister’s colleague is the cousin of my friend and we decided to go find her the old fashioned way. We went on a quest at 7 a.m.! We gathered 2 colleagues of my sister, until we managed to find the cousin and sneak into the yard of my friend and manage to wake her up and surprise her. We haven’t seen each other for 6-7 years! She was so shocked to see me, considering 5 hours before I was at 250 km away. We went to a coffee afterwards and I rewarded the party with a hot beverage. We were so happy and accomplished to have traveled so much and follow a quest! We saw some beautiful sights and were pleased with how the day turned out – and it was only 11 a.m.! I talked to my friend and decided to take her to our house for some days. I spoke to my partner, we agreed and we went back to her place (30 mins drive) to get her luggage. We met her father and we spoke with him a lot. We really did enjoy the company and everything the day gave us.

After we got home, I slept almost an entire day – due to lack of sleep (more than 30 hours) and 8 hours of continuous driving. We watched some movies afterwards, had lunch.. Today we spoke a lot about relationships and family and we really bonded even more. We went on walks, had coffee, a quick lunch and took the dogs to the vet. It was a really great day!

Be great today!

7 April 2019 – It’s a nice day to start again

I’ve been wanting to resume writing here for a while, but didn’t manage to get myself to actually do it. I’ve been very preoccupied with my life lately and I even tried journaling in some app (for 3 days haha). I am starting to feel the need to monitor my days again and change the format again..

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I woke up after many hours of sleep, even more tired and messed up than how I went to bed. Yesterday we went to the land and planted 20 trees and a day before I dug up 18 holes to mark the spot for the trees. We spent the whole day yesterday at the land after travelling 2 hours to get the trees. We really dedicated ourselves and put all the effort into it, until we couldn’t really function anymore. Fortunately we managed to plant all of them almost by the book.

This morning I woke up tired, with my muscles being sore from all the effort I put in the past days. I felt my face burning, felt feverish and beat down, to look in the mirror and see my whole face and hands were sunburnt, more on the right side than the left. I took the day lightly and tried to move as little as possible, to create an environment for healing. I also decided to have a salad for lunch to get some vitamins and minerals for my recovery.

I spent some time with my partner and then decided to go out and get something sweet along with some meat. The salad didn’t feel like enough even though it was refreshing. I went out and grabbed the products I wanted and then i spent some time with my sister. I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, but she asked me to be productive with her. We put on some music and as she wrote her homework, we sang along and felt joyful. Seeing her so determined and dedicated encouraged me to start working on my projects as well, even though my eyes were falling in my mouth.

I am working on a new idea for my site that is about to be released somewhere in the future. I decided to draw and create a character as a mascot for my brand. Somehow I think that it would be easier to use drawings instead of taking pictures for the site [I may be very wrong with this, but the end result seems so exciting, I just have to try it out]. I experimented a bit and have drawn a bit of the face. I want to try out some styles to see if the whole concept would really fit with my idea.

Afterwards, my eyes couldn’t stay opened anymore. I just had to sleep. I went to bed and started reading a chapter of my current book – it seems I wasn’t that tired after all. After finishing, I struggled a lot with the burning sensation in my face so I decided to read another chapter until I fell asleep.

I hope you had a wonderful day!

Thank you.

New, Powerful Beginings

Are you ready for adventure? For new and exciting experiences? Are you ready to read about highlights of my life and my struggles throughout the days/months? Are you ready to accompany me, my dogs, cat, partner and probably my sister through another year?

I am ready.

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The past days have been amazing. I can’t believe only 6 days have passed since this year started. I feel as if I have been flying at a very fast speed. I have done lots of things and I’ve felt extra productive.

After my last post, I visited my parents and brought my sister over, since she was on holiday. We spent time together doing all sorts of activities together. We have been working on multiple things and she helped me a lot.

We decided to paint the walls in the hallway because the dogs have messed it up – white walls are not the best when you have dogs that play around in the house. We browsed for some photos and tried out a mountain pattern. The result looks amazing! We painted it yesterday and we are surprised every time we see it there. It’s a beautiful wall of art. It is located on the hallway and we pass by it continuously. It took us around 4 hours to create and the result is amazing! The paint was still wet when I took the pictures..

We managed to change some of the rooms in the house and organize them very efficiently, especially my messy workshop room – now it actually looks as a room, not as a pile of tools.

We mostly ate out, but I have cooked a few dishes as well..

I also worked intensely for my future site – I wrote two articles that are also amazing – I can’t wait to post them later this month. I also tried out some designs for my website logo, but I am going to show them to you later. What matters most is that I did something on that revenue.

I also got time to relax and rest – having my sister around drove me into holiday mode as well. She introduced me to a game which I’ve been playing for 4 days now – 147 levels later.. Time flied by, but at least I got to be engaged with something else. We also had our annual LAN Party, hosted yesterday – we usually play games together on 31 December to 1 January, but this time we have slept a lot and we missed it..

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Today we took the dogs to our land and we let them run free. It was the first day we could take out the new dog – we had to keep her in the house due to the vaccination. They raced each other and rolled in snow – it was a wonderful experience to see their joy of running free. I was amazed that Tisa didn’t puke in the car today – she really doesn’t like car rides. She usually loses it after exactly 15 minutes, but this time she resisted 20! Sadly I don’t have anywhere else to let them free due to stray dogs that attack..

Tomorrow my sister is going back home and we are a bit melancholic about that – it would have helped if we weren’t on such good terms when she left – to make the departure bearable.. We will surely speak on Skype and interact some other ways..

Some lovely cats I drew on out whiteboard:

I hope you had a good couple of days lately!
Have a great day!

Cycle 5 – Day 11 [Loneliness, Determination, Socialization]

Today I woke up feeling very lonely. This is a feeling I get every now and then when I feel I don’t contribute to the income of our family. I feel like the weight of this is all on my shoulders and instead of bringing something in, all I do is just waste days doing meaningless things that won’t help reach the ultimate goal. I feel that I am overwhelmed, that things just won’t ever move in the needed direction and that I won’t manage to get where I need because I am not good enough – I can’t do this by my own.. This is when I realize I would need a partner (like a business partner or something) or a colleague that could just help me out by simply existing. I need someone who cares that the work goes well, who cares that we make progress, who cares about me doing my part of the job, who cares about me. I want to feel that I exist, that someone counts on me – that somebody thinks I am important..

I just realized these two thoughts contradict each other at some level – as my family relies on me.. but I think that because we are financially stable for now – we have 0 extra, but we can comfortably handle our living expenses, no matter how much I bring in, will not impact the way we live – it won’t matter – I don’t matter… I relive my thoughts and feelings from my childhood and adolescence – when I felt that nobody actually cared about my existence, that I don’t have a voice, that everybody ignores me – ‘I am just a stupid kid, why would they listen to me?’..

My partner tried to comfort me, but we didn’t get this far in the thought process, just the part with having a partner or colleague. He told me I am alone and I got the power to do anything. He made me feel even more lonely as he enforced the thought that I am alone and so I decided to go out on a walk and relive one of my lost pleasures – photography. Specifically walking in nature and finding hidden spots of beauty. I took the new dog with me on an ‘adventchooore’. We walked a lot, made some dog friends, got very dirty and cold, grabbed a snack and got back home. It was a nice experience – one that I haven’t done in more than 10 years..

By the end of the day, I got in a pretty neutral mood which enabled me to socialize a bit with my sister. We decided to negotiate contracts for the roles we have (sister, friend, colleague – we sometimes hang out together when we work on things) and managed to handle only the sister role. Some emotional buttons were pushed with this negotiation as we had to think about the future and our role in it. We ended up grateful to speak in a chat with her ex-boyfriend where we clarified some of the feelings they each had and let them really hear each other (like couples therapy). By the end of the conversation, despite the sad things that were shared, we all managed to be friends for a while and have a bit of fun together. It was really nice to feel that I am part of something.

Being able to get all these thoughts written down, it is obvious to me that I need to go back to my past and comfort the young version of me that thought was all alone. I need to heal that piece of me that still feels hurt and lonely, accept it and make it part of who I am today. I love myself now and I know I deserve to live – as any other creature which was bestowed upon this Earth.

Heal yourself and be free!