Cycle 7 – Day 1 [Enthusiasm, Confusion, Confidence, Anger, Determination]

Today I went through all sort of emotions. It was a rollercoaster. I started the day after a very bad night’s sleep with a shower and joyful music. I headed up to town for a meeting. Two minutes before my destination, the car broke and I had to speak to my father to get suggestion into fixing the issue. Long story short, I got lift off by the spa manager to go to the meeting, lost and found my phone and was confused for most part of the day. Food really helped out to get out of that weird mood and the work I did as a manager as well.

I got back to the car to clean the broken parts and get it to the service and somehow managed to also break my glasses.. Fortunately, nothing was smashed – I just have to fix the frame which makes them unusable. While cleaning the car some young gypsies passed by me and called me names and sweared a lot. I eventually went into the car and I broke off into crying – the emotions from the day really built up somehow.. I know it’s not much of a deal but the emotions felt really intense. I got to the service and fixed the car, went to some shopping and then home. I dyed my hair in the most horrible color that doesn’t fit to my present chubby face and I continued managing my projects.

What finally got me back into writing was the beautiful full moon that I managed to photograph with my camera! It’s amazing I could finally capture some detail instead of just a white circle!!

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What have I been up to lately?

I changed the way I handle my day to day tasks, to fit to certain roles that I have to play throughout the day. I made a list of all my current projects – added some and got the determination to start doing something on them due to this new role strategy. I’ve focused very much on my emotions – analysed them and tried to handle them as best as I could. I visited my parents and went to the psychology course and found out a lot about myself based on the experiences my family went through; I finally found the strength in myself to forgive my parents and be opened to see their journey as well. I focused a lot on introspection and work. Except for the courses I attended and majorly damaged my emotional stability, everything is going in a positive direction.

I hope I will write soon; maybe tomorrow I will cook again!

Have a great day or evening!

Cycle 6 – Day 21 [Some things are not meant to be?]

I woke up later than usual after having a very weird dream: it turns out I was at a woman’s home birthday party, some hours before the event. She prepared the food by herself and I was there with my partner, eating with her; she made 10 schnitzels and some other food. My partner ate 5 of them and when I asked for one, she looked angry at me and gave me something else. I went to my parents house and requested my father to buy some chicken breasts to replenish those eaten by my partner.. Eventually things didn’t turn out the way I wanted and somehow I remember I’ve been punished for my good intention..

As soon as I woke up, I was determined! I needed to make those schnitzels! I sent my partner to buy chicken breasts and was ready to start cooking. My partner isn’t very good at buying meat, this is another reason why we mostly eat veggies at home. He bought 2 frozen chicken breasts, without mentioning this before. I was a bit disappointed, but considering that was the best option he had, I let it slide. I tried to defrost the chicken without damaging it in any way. After 3 hours, I discovered the chicken was still frozen, but I also noticed for the first time it had the bones on. I got very upset and the hunger I left lingering for 3 hours started to catch up. I spent some time with my partner, having a little fight and telling him how I feel pressured by time and the things I want to do. Somehow, I couldn’t picture eating anything else.. The fight escalated a bit and I ran to the bedroom, upset of the little control I felt to have in my own life.. AND THEN, the monster emerged! The part of me that doesn’t care about anything and is controlled by nothing!

I went to the kitchen, took the bowl with the chickens to the balcony; I took every chicken and threw it on the window, more than 50 meters away! I felt as if I were in an American football match! It was amazing. After throwing them I felt relieved, free. I went into the house and smashed the bowl on the floor and I finally felt my rage go away. Everything vanished – all the anger, all the lack of control. I was finally free. It was time to assess the damage of my outburst. My partner was laughing hysterically throughout the whole event; we looked outside at the chickens and saw a very happy stray dog eating them – he just won the lottery! We gathered the pieces of the bowl and had a really good laugh about it. I called my sister and told her about the event – she amused herself as well and I was surprised to find out she was somehow expecting that.

My partner took the car and drove to buy ready to cook chicken breasts and we eventually managed to make those schnitzels. While he was away I was wondering if they would turn out weird – having higher expectations than what I will gain, but after making them, they were more than what I imagined. Just wonderful!

I also managed to work a bit on the logo for my future site in the meantime.. In the evening we played on the computer with my sister. It was a good day overall.

Have a nice day!

Cycle 6 – Day 15 [Trust, Anger, Curiosity]

I don’t really remember what I did yesterday.. I only remember parts of the day. I did something in the morning – probably watched some TV series, but I am not sure. I had a cup of black tea – I am trying to replace coffee with black tea to ease my body’s reaction to caffeine – my heart used to behave weirdly afterwards and I was shaky for a long time. Black tea is so much better regarding the effects, but I still have to get used to the taste; serving it with milk makes it a lot better though..

I made a To Do list and I actually managed to stick to it – I stretched, groomed myself, showered and got myself ready to go to town in a surprisingly short time! I decided to take the dogs out because we would come back home late in the evening. Earlier, the dogs chewed my laptop charger and really messed it up. I made the mistake of not taking the leash on the young one, Sheeba, on our short walk.. she ran off with some stray dogs from the surroundings and had to run after her with the other two dogs while convincing her to come – that really pissed me off as I was in a hurry and definitely expected something else.. after running around and finally getting all the dogs home, I left the door a bit opened while I grabbed my bag to leave. Unfortunately, Bruno took this opportunity to do something he doesn’t usually do – get out of the house and run away.. so I had to run after him as well.. I felt overwhelmed by anger and I just couldn’t take it anymore.. somehow I wish I didn’t have any dogs or at least let them roam free and give them the opportunity to get back if they really want to.. I just don’t know.. sometimes they really mess up with your inner equilibrium and they mess you up..

I went out and met with the spa owner and had an average conversation – I didn’t feel particularly good anyway with the dogs situation.. I won’t go into detail. Later I went to a psychology conference with my partner and got home very late in the evening. We interpreted some of the things we learned and then fell to sleep..

Sorry for the low quality picture.

Have a great day!

Cycle 5 – Day 23-25 [Avoidance, Ordering, Progress, Failure]

I’ve avoided writing on the blog in the last few days. I have been feeling a bit under the weather; I just accepted this mood and took a break as I felt that I needed it. I ate only junk food, a lot of sweets and I even had soda, which I rarely do. I’ve been avoiding exercise for a while and I just haven’t been feeling like myself. I’ve been very needy – in terms of interactions with other people and getting opinions about my work. I didn’t realize it until today; this changed a lot of things.

I’ve started to question myself and find the cause of this problem and I noticed some things: I look very fat on Skype when I speak to my sister, I didn’t get out of the house for a while, I got fearful with the dog’s well being one week ago, I lost track of my days. All these things have impacted me a lot; these are those unspoken issues that you avoid by creating or talking about other issues.

1. I look fat on Skype – my sister is very pretty. She is skinny and I don’t envy her. I always notice how much we look alike when I slim down a bit – having my default weight – around 86kg. It drives me insane to see my face being all round and weird looking – like somebody popped air into it. It makes me feel unconfident and ugly, especially when I see my pretty sister near my baloon face. I don’t usually talk about these things with anybody and it makes me insane – I start eating everything around me and allow myself to feel sick. I noticed that I eat the most when I talk to her, after seeing myself. Last time I weighed myself was about 2 weeks ago – I had 89 kg and I was ashamed of this and decided to not share it on the blog. One week of shame eating later, I have 91.2 kg. I find it somehow ironic that I am creating a site and writing about weight loss, but I seem to have lost some of the pointers myself. Somehow i think this is a good thing though, because I experience the process myself and apply the techniques on myself. My confidence was at a very low point. The more I see myself on Skype, the more I realize I don’t want to be seen by anyone except my partner and pets – this is a wonderful opportunity for my new website as this is one of the subjects I want to talk about. So lets say that somehow I am glad this is happening; somehow there is a reason for experiencing this again. But this is the last time I will go through something like this; this time I will learn my lesson thoroughly.

2. I am very upset because I haven’t got out of the house lately – I had a lot of orders to take and had to take care and train the new puppy, which got me stuck in the house. It’s frustrating to know you can’t be somewhere else and realize you hate your surroundings – the fact that the house was messy really got to me and I felt helpless; it was exactly as all my thoughts – unorganized, distructive, dusty.. I really hated being in my shoes, so I started cleaning and managed to get half of the house done – the areas I visit most often. This gave me a lot of courage and made me feel refreshed.

3. I got fearful with the dog – I am happy with my family; very happy. I am not ready to face the possibility of having them gone. I love these dogs and they spark joy within me – even Bruno who is a big pain in my .. shoe. I get very worried and I want all the best for them – they are basically my kids.. This event made me consider health problem of any kind with anyone in my family and having financial issues to pay for the medical services. On top of this, I slipped in the kitchen and did a forced side splits which totally pressured my body – i am not able to do half of the preparation for this position let alone the full stretch. This resulted in muscular issues, back pains and bed rest. Along the high weight, my back is certainly going through a rough patch right now..

4. I lost count of the days – this is not necessarily a bad thing – I just let things happen and I actually was happy most of the time – I did only what felt right regarding activity – this included: cleaning, repairing furniture, building a hanger, writing articles for my new website. The bad thing was the unmonitoring of my food and not listening to my body to get the cues to stop. I really want to restart monitoring things about my life. It will definitely help me understand what is going on.

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Writing everything down is very therapeutic for me. I understand what is going on in my life and I figure out what I get to change. I am very grateful for this blog – the fact that I can share these entries with you and especially my partner, makes it so amazing. I can give the entry to him and he will be up to date with my life in no time. Maybe this avoids me speaking about my problems with him sometimes, but we get the time to focus on the important things instead. We still talk about other things – it seems like problems and external conflicts is not something that we are lacking.

I hope you had a good time these past few days. I am not very festive – I only enjoy singing carols in this time of the year because I can let my voice loose. I wish you happy holidays and I hope to write again soon!

Happy holidays! Merry Christmas!

Cycle 5 – Day 7 [Irritability, Enthusiasm, Anger]

I’ve been having nightmares lately; but none was as intense and horrifying as the one this morning. It messed me up to no end.. After this dream it was really difficult to start my day as usual. I took extra time off before serving breakfast and actually doing anything. I just couldn’t escape the irritability I felt – I also didn’t have the possibility to really talk about it with someone; everybody was busy and I just shoved my feelings inside myself.

I managed to start my day eventually, after hours of doing nothing. I started calling some people to find out about a renting place. I also took a walk to talk with somebody in person. I also took this measure as an excuse to start a new project. I bought some supplies and got home excited. I decided to build an extensible table. I started designing everything and was really enthusiastic about everything. I just started working and had to create a favorable setup to avoid having wood debris fly on my neighbors just-washed white clothes. I improvised a solution and worked until distress. I managed to eat in between but I really dedicated myself to this.

I spent some time with the pets and tried to gather some energy, but I couldn’t. I went to lay in bed and get some sleep, but unfortunately I didn’t get that either. After a whole day spent outside in the cold, reality seemed to finally catch up with me and the cold seemed to have gotten to my bones. I tried many things to warm myself up, but I couldn’t stop shivering. I tried exercising and serving tea, which worked for a little bit, but it got back afterwards..

I talked a bit with my partner about the nightmare I had and I let some of those emotions free. We spent some time together and somehow I got triggered by a situation which enabled my nightmare. I couldn’t take it anymore. I let the anger loose; I let everything get out – uncontrollable screaming, crying and hitting walls – I honestly thought I went insane. I haven’t experienced anger at this level before..

I ultimately calmed down and I started resolving the issues I identified. I apologized to my partner and we just continued our day casually.. we decided it was time to go to bed..

I hope your day was better, with less negative emotions.

Cycle 3 – Day 4

Today I mostly did things around the house, socialized and cooked. I focused on personal projects – I changed the soil for some plants that really needed it. I weighed myself this morning and now I have 88.4 kg (195 lbs) – reduced by 0.5 kg since this Monday.

I did my stretching routine, I played with the dogs, went groccery shopping and cooked amazing food. I made some pasta with tomatoes for lunch – condiments are everything with this dish; and for dinner I made some mushrooms with sauce with mashed potatos and a lettuce and tomato salad and it turned out wonderful!

We had an incident today with our washing machine – it poured water everywhere and it flooded the bathroom. We had to evacuate all the water and remove a shower tub that we had in there, in order to take all the water out. It took us more than an hour to get all that out..

I browsed some freelancing jobs and I made the setup on the laptop for the management app that I plan to work on next. I hope tomorrow I’ll actually work on it.

I hope you had a nice day!

Cycle 1 – Day 11

Last night I went to bed late and as a consequence, this morning was not that great. My energy was pretty low and I had to make a big effort to get out of bed and start my day. As I woke up, I realized that my muscles were still sore from the exercise I did on Saturday evening. I had a cup of green tea and did my routine.

I then took a quick shower and prepared some granola and steamed some rice for the following days. Later I just cleaned up and organized a bit in the house, prepared some mushrooms and played a game a bit. Then it got time for lunch and I realized that I haven’t moved the lid off the pot at all – I was supposed to leave it only 15 minutes, but I let it like that for an hour and a half. And it was that moment when I realized what a mistake I did; I could lift the pot by holding the lid. It was sealed shut. I panicked a bit and tried to stick a knife between them, but that didn’t seem to work; I tried putting it under water, but that had no success at all. I was in time and I needed to have lunch served in 10 minutes.. So with a lot of regret, I decided to make a hole in the lid.. I am lucky I know how to operate a drill and that I had a thin drill bit in my collection. I then tried to make the hole; but the material was very tough and it took about 3-4 minutes. Once I got in, the drill bit broke and it remained stuck in the lid. Fortunately, the tiny canals were just enough to let the air come in and unseal my pot. The damage was not that much and I hope my steamed rice will be the same after this incident.

After that I went to the spa job I have and had a massage for my back pains and helped find new prices and strategies for the issues they are currently facing. I also went to my old job and got some papers and I visited a doctor – had my regular check-up.

For lunch I had rice with mushrooms and for dinner I had a salad with spinach, arugula, cucumber, chickpeas and tahini-lemon dressing.

 

Tomorrow I will probably be working for my management app. Today I’ve just been taking care of socializing and solving external problems.

I hope you had a great day!